January, How To Get Rid Of A Cow. (That’s Blocking Your View)
As the cows slowly make their way across the field, my dogs warily inch closer to me. By the time the cows have arrived the dogs are tightly wound round me. Tails and feet spilling awkwardly over my paper and pencils. We have become a three headed, six legged creature. Three pairs of eyes covering every angle. One part warm bliss, two parts nerves, we wait while the cows blow and burp and breath over us. Eventually they’ll tire and begin to drift away, all except one who will remain, standing right in front of us. Much as I adore the closeness of my dogs and even the company of the cows, there’s a limit to my patience when I’m in the middle of a drawing. And the best way I’ve found of getting rid of a cow, is to start drawing it. There’s something about the intense gaze of human eyes that unsettle animals. Imagine, you’re used to loosing yourself in the vague, soft depths of your fellow bovines’ dreamy brown eyes, when suddenly you’re caught in the glare of a pair of human eyes. Small and white. Utterly alien. Horrible. But don’t think that just staring will do. No, you have really look at the cow. Notice the position of the ear in relation to the eye. Look at the length of each eyelash…. And the cow will move uncomfortably… Plot the angle between a nostril and the outer edge of the eye…. He’ll be really twitchy by now….One more look, and he’ll be off, keen to get back to the safety of the middle distance. Proof of the fast, effectiveness of this remedy can be seen in the scrappiness of my little drawing.